CHAPTER 15 – Needles and Haystacks

“A woman can never have too many lipstick options!” – Unknown

When I first found my way into what seemed like a wacky world, I had to understand the lingo and abbreviations. There sure was a stack of it but I learned fast just by reading different forums on the web. Any which way you choose to go about it, this is the unregulated way for producing children involving strangers that excludes relationship expectations.

ART (Assisted Reproductive Treatment) – Stands for any treatment procedures through a clinic, IUI (AI) using known sperm, IUI using donor sperm, IVF or ICSI.

AI is, of course, a popular fertility method used by women to conceive a child through sperm donation carried out at a fertility clinic. The frozen sperm specimens have been screened for hereditary and genetic disorders and any serious diseases. These specimens may be donations from local donors or from other donors who have donated to cryobanks around the world.

AI / or (HI) Home insemination using shipped frozen sperm – When the tadpoles have been iced, they need to be thawed and then washed to eliminate any bad or slow-moving sperm; so that what’s left is of optimum quality. It is then put into the recipient’s womb using a syringe (bun gun) and sometimes with a catheter, although I don’t recommend that without a doctor supervising. It’s not a bad way to receive your can of sardines.

AI / HI (Home Insemination or Artificial Insemination) using fresh, sperm – involves the donor producing the donation into a sterile jar, handing it over to the recipient and then do what we Aussies say – ‘the Harry Holt’. To the rest of the world it means ‘to bolt’. The recipient then allows the semen to become viscous by warming the jar with body heat. Basically, it needs any lumps to liquefy into a smooth consistency but not become watery. Keeping it under an armpit or in a bra for approximately 30 minutes works great.

A woman can then inseminate herself (or partner) using a five or ten mL sterile syringe. Just to be clear, size does not matter here! A speculum may be used to ensure the syringe finds the right spot too. And there need not be any sexual contact or silly business with the donor at all.

Used to a lesser degree in HI/AI, are two other alternative conception devices. One requires using only a cervical cap opposed to a cup and syringe, and the other is a rather posh and much more refined technical instrument that takes that up a notch called, quite fittingly, The Stork OTC.

Cervical caps or soft caps are generally used to prevent making babies but they can also be used to assist in the very same thing they are protecting you from. They’re usually used as a “barrier” method of birth control, because they’re designed to block sperm from reaching the woman’s egg. However, the opposite can be done to support sperm getting to the egg. You can either have the donor ejaculate directly into it, or you can transfer it from another clean container using a medical needleless syringe. Once the sperm is inside the cap you just insert it into your vagina as it will fit over your cervix. Then the swimmers are left to tube the wild rapids all the way to the ovum.

The Stork OTC takes the fuss out of handling semen and transferring it from cup to syringe to recipient. It has two main parts that assist in capturing the semen from the donor: the conceptacle and an applicator. The conceptacle part of the contraption consists of a cervical cap or soft cap which is the same type of “condom-like” sheath made out of silicone. Once the semen is collected, the sheath rolls off and is placed onto the tip of the applicator. The applicator is then used to insert the cap full of semen into the vagina and up to the opening of the cervix. Then just as it is for cervical and soft caps, it’s cuppa tea time. Or cleaning time. Movie time. Or whatever time. The cap can remain inside the cervix for a few hours so it’s up to you what you do while you’re hopefully whipping up a baby. The cap is removed just like a tampon with a string. Oh it’s so sexy being a woman!

AI+ – This one I was not familiar with. Apparently the recipient is expected to help the donor produce the donation. I’m assuming with a little rub a dub, dub action.

Any of these AI methods are not only tried and proven ways to succeed in pregnancy, they are perhaps the best choices for putting some emotional distance between recipient and donor especially if they are friends or former lovers. These are the only procedures that may protect single women legally—maybe!

PI (Partial insemination/Penetrative Insemination) – where the donor masturbates to the point of ejaculation and then inserts his penis into the recipient’s vagina just prior to releasing the semen. There is minimal physical contact and intimacy, i.e. there is no kissing, oral sex, and exposure of or fondling of donee’s breasts. It’s what many men think of as ‘sex without all the fun’. However, in light of that, it may offer a higher success rate to that of AI. It does pose some risk as it can take a few goes to get right, which can be not only frustrating for donee’s, but costly in terms of time. To have gone through all the hoops only to have the donor fumble, lose his cool too soon or have insertion issues would be a monumental fail. To be blunt, a fuck up. A desperate geriatric can’t have this happen EVER! Adam bans promoting this method in the FB Group because “it used to attract men with fetishes and a lot of these people we had issues with.” He also says a lot of women have also experienced extreme discomfort with this method.

NI (Natural Insemination) – Good Ol’ Fashioned S.E.X. – Rolling around in a haystack. It’s the only natural form of procreation. Many guys prefer to do this for obvious reasons. And heck why not, after all it was the original baby-making way. Unfortunately, like slugging on a condom, single women don’t have any protection with NI. This is because you’re single. For the geriatrics, you’re socially infertile remember?! Aka a social outcast! You get my point. As there isn’t a second parent, the donor will be considered the father of the child. If you’re in a partnership there is a chance, the donor might be considered the father of your child.

Natural insemination for women may fall under the highly stigmatised hammer just as one-night stands are. Some people might consider it dirty and salacious, but when you’re doing it to make a baby, it isn’t like that at all. There are many ways you can go about NI. It’s up to you. But to get your head around pregnancy sex, well, it’s generally not sexy at all. Just ask all the husbands and partners out there!It’s a different type of sex with a person to create an outcome of creating a human being. It, like PI, is may not the least bit intimate and is often devoid of touch and kissing. Men who have abstained for a few days prior to this type of donation usually don’t last long either.

On the other hand, some donors and donee’s like to take an adventurous approach to NI and make it super fun for both parties. Heck, why not right? It could be the last time you have sex for a while and a ‘make a baby’ romp can be a truly magical experience with someone who only wants to gift you the ultimate win: the title of ‘mother’ and the pitter-patter of tiny feet.